Seriously a Strong Woman

You may not know it, but the community has suffered a big loss. I had to say good-bye to a friend today. I met Rachel as hospital roommates at Fairfax Hospital. I'm not one to make life time friends overnight, but I think that's pretty much what happened with Rachel and I. Rachel had cervical cancer, very aggressive cervical cancer. I heard as the doctors told her it spread to her lungs while she was on treatment. Difficult news, and difficult to know what to say to a stranger. We traded emails and phone numbers, and I think my mom may have scared them when she actually did stay in touch and join them in a women's cancer walk. Not knowing anyone at the walk, my mother was worried she wouldn't have anyone to talk to, but Rachel's family was so welcoming that my mom had a great day

From there, Rachel and I formed a strong cancer bond. We talked often about what was going on with each other's cancers. I would ask Rachel what was going on with her and after a few minutes of cancer complaining she would always say "ok enough about me! How are you feeling?" (sometimes the conversations worked in reverse. I would complain, then ask how she was). It was an odd friendship because we knew intimate medical details about each other's life - I'd ask how her white count was doing - but I didn't know much about her personal life. So we worked backwards to learn about each other outside of cancer. 

I watched as Rachel's husband and sister took amazing care of her. Anything to make Rachel happy or to make her life easier. It made me realize that my siblings and parents do that for me. I just couldn't see it or appreciate my family until I watched Rachel's family magnanimously take care of her. Rachel wouldn't have survived as long as she did without their loving support. I wouldn't survive without my friends and family. I know that now. We would often sit and marvel at how being sick can bring out the best in people, how we both felt so loved. Her family (and my family) should have no regrets, no doubts and no reservations about the care they provided. They did everything they possibly could for Rachel. She and I both agreed that we fight cancer because we love our families so much. We battle and take the chemo, radiation, medication, humiliation because we have to fight for our family and loved ones.  

Rachel wanted to write notes to her family to tell them how much they all mean to her. I don't know if she ever finished them, but I do know this: A. She was a perfectionist so the letters had to be just right. and B. There's no way to make them perfect or to say everything. How could one letter express a lifetime of love and joy that you share with your sister? It couldn't. (Just like one blog post isn't enough to explain how much Rachel helped me become a better person in the short time we knew each other). I told Rachel that at the end of the day, there was nothing she could write in a letter that her family didn't already know about how she felt. I think that helped because she was able to take a nap. :)

Rachel was truly loved by so many people. Her get well and sympathy card collection rivaled my own (and I had a 2 year head start). She proudly displayed all her cards in her kitchen - leaving little counter space. When you're sick you get so many cards, gifts packages, emails, facebook messages, texts, and phone calls that it's near impossible to respond to them all. But trust me when I say, from personal experience, that she read everything and all of the notes and messages combined into a big hug - a feeling of support and love - so even if you didn't get a response from her (or a response from me for my friends and family) know that the messages are still very important. 

I often joked that Rachel was my zen master. When I was confused/scared/upset, she could provide prospective in a single sentence that would make me feel better and more balanced. She taught me to stop second guessing myself (I'm still working on that one, Rachel). She told me it's ok to have an "OPP", an occasional pity party. We laughed often about "living life to the fullest" as doctors would recommend - we really tried to get out there and have adventures on good days. (adventures in this case means a visiting a pig farm or getting much needed pedicures). On bad days though, we redefined living life the fullest as fuzzy socks and long naps.

Rachel was one of my examples of handling adversity with dignity and class. (see previous blog on the subject). It's really hard to smile when you want to break down and cry, take deep breathes instead of throwing things in a hospital room, and hold your head up high when the doctor is giving you bad news over and over again. But Rachel did that and it took real courage. 

Rachel and I had many deep conversations about relationships. She pointed out that no matter how long or short your life is, you only have time for value-added friends. People who will enrich your life should be treasured and those friendships nurtured. Her and her family has certainly been value-add to my life. Even in death, Rachel was still a planner. She knew I didn't have anything blue for my wedding. So at her request, her family is letting me borrow a gorgeous blue sapphire ring to wear on the wedding day -  to be returned a later cancer free date. So you can see it at my wedding! I'll proudly be wearing it as my something borrowed and something blue. It's so perfect and thoughtful,  it makes me tear up when I think about it. That's what kind of person Rachel was.

So thank you Rachel, for being my zen master and making me a fighter. This isn't fair and you didn't deserve any of this. I'm really going to miss you. 

Rachel's blog: http://rachelbg99.wordpress.com/ (I've said it before and I'll say it again: she's a way better writer than I am)

Dignity Is Always En Vogue

Sometimes life isn't about the things that happen to you; it's about how you handle them.

There's something to be said for handling bad news and tragedy with dignity and strength. That message has been repeatedly shown to me over the last few days - through both friends and strangers. If you need examples of strength in adversity, let me know. I have some very amazing and inspiring people to point you to who smile in the face of tragedy and celebrate life despite loss and grieving.

It's not easy fighting every day. Some people, though, don't get the chance to fight. They're gone in an instant. I'm blessed that both my mom and I have had the opportunity, strength, and support needed to fight. I try (emphasis on try) to live life each day to the best of my ability - rest when needed (often), eat horribly bad food for me, laugh, love, cry, and take every hug I can get. It takes a lot of energy to stay motivated and positive; it's an effort worth making though. Don't think I don't have depressed moments - given my last post I obviously do - but with the love and support of Eric, my parents, my siblings, my family, my friends, I continue.

We don't get to choose the bad cards we are dealt, but we do get to pick how to play them. Dignity is one of the many things that no one (or no disease) can ever take from you. Classiness never goes out of style.

Nobody Fights Alone

Cancer makes you feel very alone sometimes. I'm disconnected from my friends and coworkers. I have this new weird schedule that revolves around doctor's appointments, chemo, and picking up prescriptions. When I get depressed I feel pretty alone. It's the worst at night. Both my mom and I have experienced pretty bad insomnia. Awake, alone, with our pain and all our thoughts about cancer, life, death, and weddings. It's alarming to say the least.

While my family and friends are amazing and amazingly supportive, in my bad moments I feel alone. It feels like no one understands what it's like to be almost 30 years young, fighting for my life, putting some dreams on hold, and living with chronic pain.*

So here's what I've found helps, in no particular order:

• Take medication
• Call my sister
• Plan my wedding
• Take more medication
• Commiserate with my mom
• Play buck hunter with Jacob.
• Re-read the 100s of fb messages and cards I've gotten from my wonderful friends
• Text Rachel
• Take medication
• Listen to rap music on youtube

For Christmas, my brother got me and my mother cancer bracelets - the rubber ones that are colored for each cancer. Teal is the ovarian cancer color; royal blue is the colon cancer color. They say "no one fights alone!" on them. He gave us 50 each for us to give out to our supporters. We gave out all 100 in less than a week and had to order more! I don't expect people to wear them all the time (especially my more fashionable friends as blue/teal doesn't go with every outfit). It's just nice to know how many people are out the rooting for us. It's our own little tracking device. Our diehard supporters wear their bracelets everyday and I appreciate that.

I'll put my cancer fighting bracelets on when I feel alone. That way when I feel lonely I can remind myself that I'm connected to our family and friends who love and support me. It reminds me that no one fights alone. No one is alone, even if it feels that way sometime. We're all in this struggle called life together.



In unrelated news, this week was my mom's birthday! It also marks the one year anniversary of her being diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Sufficient to say last year's birthday sucked and this hasn't been the most fun year. However, we're thankful to still have her with us and we're all hopefully about the vaccine she's receiving from the Cancer Treatment Centers of America.

One thing I've been struck by lately is that there is a lot of suffering and tragedy in the world. Things can change in an instant. Not to be too much of a downer, (you are reading a cancer blog though), but people can die suddenly from heart attacks, car crashes, bear attacks, you name it. I guess what I'm trying to say, very uneloquently, is that I'm thankful for the time that I've had over the last year with my family - even if it hasn't been the greatest at times. I'm still thankful that we still have each other. Yeah we've had bad days, but we've also laughed a lot, mostly at each other. It's humbling to think that even through this cancer treatment, we still are very blessed to be together. There are greater tragedies in the world than ours, for sure.

In the end, no one fights alone. Some just have bracelets to prove it.


*As I write this,  I know one person reading knows exactly what this feels like - and I hope she had a good week visiting with her sister :)

So no news is neutral news at best

I haven't written in a while. I guess cause I didn't have a whole lot to say. I got through a tough and busy holiday season. My families were awesome and so supportive. I couldn't ask for more fun gifts. It's very apparent that they would do whatever it takes to make me happy. I'm very loved. Also, I'm very behind in my thank you cards. Eric is amazing and never gives up faith in me even when I have none of my own.

Truth be told, it's been pretty rough, not as much physically as emotionally. Chemo is a cumulative effect. In laymen's terms that means it gets worse and sucks more each time. The idea is to beat your system down systematically to kill the cancer cells.

I had a scan this week that showed no to slight worsening progress. 1 mass stayed the same size, 1 mass decreased in size slightly, and 2 masses inscreased slightly. Since October. Meaning that all the pain and suffering that I've endured since October has only, at best, kept the cancer at bay but has made little to no progress. Super bummer. 

 Most days I try to keep a positive attitude, but it's hard. I feel pretty sick and debilitated by chemo side-effects on most days. I can shower, do my makeup and look like a normal person; most days though I feel like a disappointment.  I've pretty much turned my life into what I've deemed as a "hairball". That's the best way to describe it.

So the next steps are..... I don't know. It could be more chemo of different kinds. It could be going to NIH. It could be wait and see. I've got an appointment Monday with my doctors to discuss options. I have options.

I have options and a good support network, good friends, and a loving fiancee. Wedding planning has been fun if not a little distracting. If anyone wants to take on mini wedding tasks to help me out let me know. I'm really looking forward to my shower coming up in the beginning of March and a colon cancer walk in the end or March (more details to follow). Wedding of course in April. Super congrats to my friends Kelly & Ian who got engaged and will be getting all my good leftover wedding swag :)

So that's the 411 on me. Good/Bad/Indifferent that's the news. New motto is : Just keep swimming.

Thanks to Rachel who's been a great rock and support in this mess. With her and my sister, Lisa, and brother Jacob, I feel like I have a few zen masters to keep me balanced and focused on what's important: getting better and fighting another day.

Diamonds

Here's the truth: Chemo sucks. More than you can guess. It hurts physically. Every time I eat anything it hurts my stomach, but then it hurts if I don't eat. I've lost probably 30% of my hair, if not more. Balls and clumps of hair fall out. It's gross. I can't really go outside because of the cold-enduced neuropathy, so we're stuck in our NYC apartment with the heat up.

The emotional pain is even worse. My mom and a friend visited and it was all I could do to lay out on the couch and have a conversation. I worry a lot that I'm letting everyone down by not being more active or more energetic. I worry that I'm going to suffer through all this and not be able to beat cancer. I worry that everyone's going to remember me as a lump on the couch. Well here's what I do on those days: take a lot of meds and naps, send self-indulgent pouty text messages to my sister and other unsuspecting folks and wait for the phone calls to come in of friends wanting to pick me up.

And I lean on Eric. I lean a lot. He did all the cooking this weekend. (Beef burgundy, risotto twice and meatballs tonight! All yummy. If "cheese please" wasn't an already taken , I'd recommend he start his own cooking blog) Because of the side effects, I can't really do the dishes either so Eric does those. Then I cry, and he comforts me. Gives me early fabulous Christmas presents and hugs. He tells me he's going to love me bald. Eric tells me I'm going to get through it. He makes me laugh and lifts me off the metaphorical ledge. (Eric did call me a jumper this weekend).

I had a realization today looking at my engagement ring. Warning: not a deep thought. This may be ramen noodle shallow (sorry inside joke). Coal has to go through a lot to become a diamond. There's a lot of pressure and time - There's a Shawshank Redemption quote in here somewhere....I think overall, someone's just making me into a big, better diamond. All the pain and suffering, all the chemo and fatigue, all the days spent in pain feeling even more pathetic than I look, missed opportunities to hang out with my friends. It's all to make me a better, stronger version of myself. I just wish I'd hurry up and get there already.

I will say though, a lot of people say that they couldn't do what I have to do. They don't think they're strong enough or brave enough. All I do is smile and say thank you. In reality, you never know how strong you are until you have to be. I don't think I'm tougher than anyone else. It's just my turn to prove to myself that I'm a diamond. I hope all my readers never have a day that they have to prove it to themselves. Life would be a lot easier. If you are ever a jumper though, give me a text. I'd like a chance to repay the favor.

PCBG Sucks!

Ok so just so people don't think my whole life is about cancer, here's my random thought from Wednesday. I've been helping my mom with her class on Thursday/Friday and in NYC since Friday. This blog will lack more depth than some of my other blogs, so we're now at negative depth. You've been warned.

I was moved by Old Navy's boot-licious ads (big guppie right here) and went to Old Navy to look at fleece and faux furs boots. I decided that boots would not take away my chronic pain or at least make it bearable. The boots weren't cute. I should have known that Old Navy always looks happier in commercials than in person. It just so happens that Old Navy is right next to a Party City and I figured that cheap wedding crud might make me happier than cheap fleece crud.  I was right. It was so fun to figure out what I'm going to buy in the future. They've got a lot of the non-essential, essential wedding stuff - like bags for welcome bags, candy bags, favor bags, sand, vases, etc.

As I'm looking at unity candles, I heard another customer talking to the Party City balloon guy. What I heard annoyed me so much that I almost told these random strangers that they were the dumbest people I've heard all month. I didn't - you're welcome dumb Party City dude. So here's how the conversation went:

Customer: I need happy 3rd birthday balloons for my son
Party City Balloon Guy (PCBG): Ok
(boring conversation ensues about what balloons to pick out)
Customer: Yeah we had to waste our money on all this 1st and 2nd birthday stuff. Why can't we just get something that says "happy birthday" and then reuse it every year. Who needs balloons anyway? Not like the kid knows the difference.
PCBG: Yeah, I heard these parents in here earlier that had rented a moon bounce for their kid for his 3rd birthday. The kid won't ever remember it.
Stupid Customer: (nods in agreeance and makes some other dumb comment about wasting money)

I thought, "UM you do it because it's fun! That's why you get a moon bounce!" You're kid isn't going to remember anything until 3, but you still do fun activities with them - because you love your kid, you want them to laugh and have fun, and because it makes you happy to see them happy. That's why you get a 2 year old balloons. Why celebrate birthdays at all? if that's your beef. Their argument was more surrounding the wasting of money on someone that won't remember it than on expense of said balloon and/or moon bounce. I get the whole lack of disposable income to spend on fun, but non-essential stuff (like unity candles or candy bags). I was annoyed. So annoyed I had to call my sister, which in all honesty I call her when I'm annoyed, happy, sad indifferent, or gassy. One to tell her that I'm proud that she likes to take her kids to do things and is such a good mom, and two to tell her how proud she should be of me that I didn't yell at PCBG. After calling Lisa, I did what I usually do: Call my mom and have the exact same conversation again. She agreed that PCBG sucks and that Party City in general will be good for wedding stuff.

So that's your blog post for today. Sorry if  you were hoping to learn something about cancer. For those of you who read my blog for that reason: Chemo sucks and, in my case, causes ingrown toe nails. There. Feel better? I didn't think so.

Lucky Girl

Sometimes I think I'm the luckiest girl in the world.

I know that sounds strange on a cancer blog and especially in contrast to my last couple of posts. However, I have so many wonderful people in my life. I feel so loved every single day. There's no possible way I could even list every person whose helped me through.

For starters, Eric takes such good care of me when we're together and when we're not. He's so understanding and wonderfully generous. I couldn't ask for a better partner in crime. Eric always can make me laugh - or at least stop crying. His family (both immediate and extended) is so kind and caring. I'm so lucky to spend the rest of my life getting to know them. His mother is the sweetest and most thoughtful.

My family makes me feel so lucky. Of course my mother and father are supportive as I've mentioned before. What I don't think I've mentioned enough is how much my sister, Lisa, and brother, Jacob, carry me through on the bad days. They're always around to listen to my complaints, make me laugh, and provide me with the one thing I'm clearly lacking: perspective. My sister despite being 3000 miles and a couple of time zones away always, and I mean pretty much always answers my calls - regardless of how loud her kids are screaming, what she's doing, or if she's at work seeing patients. She always, always makes me smile. Jacob is unequivocally the most thoughtful person I know - he literally said to me the other day that he's upset because he couldn't think of enough ways to help me through chemo. Jacob, News Flash: you are awesome and do a ton for me. There's not one request that I've asked him to do that he has said no to - and I ask for a lot of help. Every girl should be so lucky to have siblings as awesome as mine.

My cousins are awesome. Dale and Diana dropped everything on like 15 minutes notice when we surprised them with a visit. I'm so excited for Diana to make my wedding cake! and Dale never ceases to amaze me with her speed of response to my every illogically posting. My cousin Enna comes to visit me in the hospital often and even though I don't need them, brings me fabulous treats that I love.

My second mother, Diane, is one of the most selfless people I've ever met. I hope she knows how much she means to my mom and I. I'm pretty sure when she moves to Denver (aka one of the saddest days ever) that it will take multiple people working overtime to fill the hole.

I cannot even begin to describe the outpouring of love I feel from my friends. And no one would believe me if I tried. I get amazingly thoughtful care packages from my sorority sisters, Darden, college and high school friends, family friends and coworkers. I love and read every card, email, and Facebook message. Please don't think the lack of speedy ( if at all :-|) response doesn't mean that I'm not truly touched. It would seriously be near impossible to respond to everyone. Just to name a few, thank you Becca, Culp, Sylvia, Laura, Antonio, Hawkins, Hartman, Sue, Jackie, Oren (for the awesome Facebook message), and Mrs. Schilling.The list goes on and on. No way I could even list everyone. Not a day goes by that I don't get a phone call or card from someone unexpected. I love you guys.

My bridesmaids put up with me sending the most random and sporadic emails. Anyone who has gotten married knows that picking bridesmaids can be very stressful. However, I'm so happy with my choices. I'm so lucky to have Kelly and Stephanie in my life.

The most unexpected part of being sick is how kind strangers are. I've been annoyed that thus far I've done all my treatments in-patient in the hospital. Having roommates would normally annoy me and any other normal person, but I've been so lucky to meet the nicest people in the hospital. Complaining about cancer and sharing treatment horror stories I think forms a bond. The hospital staff is so friendly, including the meal chick, the techs, the nurses, the admin staff.

If it wasn't for cancer I wouldn't know how strong my support network is. I wouldn't know how loved I am. It's really a gift on most days and I know I'm a very very lucky girl. Even if there aren't pain meds strong enough to make me feel better, I'm still so full of love that today that the pain didn't matter.

P.S. I love you mom. You're my bestie.