Why Me?

The day before chemo is always a bad day. It's mainly because I know tomorrow is going to be a waste of a day. I'm scheduled to go in tomorrow at 8am and it'll be all day of sitting around in the hospital/getting poisoned. Fail

I will say that I had my choice of when to go in and a friend in high places who's looking out for me. I'm lucky I know, but that doesn't mean the day before chemo I'm super excited. Overall feeling pretty good today; tomorrow will be a different story.

So why me? Why do I have to sign up for this? What did I do to deserve this? It's not fair and self pity is really easy. My mom reminded me of a thought I had last time half way though my treatment, after several months of self-pity and asking why me.

Why not me? Why would I assume that I'm so privileged that illness won't happen to me? Why shouldn't I be the one sick? I have health insurance, a supportive family, a (very) flexible job with an understanding boss and caring friends. I'm (hopefully) strong enough to get through this. I'm otherwise healthy - ok so that one's an oxymoron, but the point remains I'm lucky. It's not a mistake that that's the second time I've said that in this post. If the universe is really chaotic, it should balance out a little and I should be the one that's sick.

When I'm feeling sorry for myself, instead of lamenting "why me?", I'm trying to ask myself "why not me?" Who would I wish this on if it wasn't me? (hint: the answer is no one.) It's not "why should I have cancer?", it's "why should anyone have cancer?" If anyone has to have cancer and suffer, it should be me.

I'm still not looking forward to tomorrow though.