Sunday, September 11, 2011

Why Me?

The day before chemo is always a bad day. It's mainly because I know tomorrow is going to be a waste of a day. I'm scheduled to go in tomorrow at 8am and it'll be all day of sitting around in the hospital/getting poisoned. Fail

I will say that I had my choice of when to go in and a friend in high places who's looking out for me. I'm lucky I know, but that doesn't mean the day before chemo I'm super excited. Overall feeling pretty good today; tomorrow will be a different story.

So why me? Why do I have to sign up for this? What did I do to deserve this? It's not fair and self pity is really easy. My mom reminded me of a thought I had last time half way though my treatment, after several months of self-pity and asking why me.

Why not me? Why would I assume that I'm so privileged that illness won't happen to me? Why shouldn't I be the one sick? I have health insurance, a supportive family, a (very) flexible job with an understanding boss and caring friends. I'm (hopefully) strong enough to get through this. I'm otherwise healthy - ok so that one's an oxymoron, but the point remains I'm lucky. It's not a mistake that that's the second time I've said that in this post. If the universe is really chaotic, it should balance out a little and I should be the one that's sick.

When I'm feeling sorry for myself, instead of lamenting "why me?", I'm trying to ask myself "why not me?" Who would I wish this on if it wasn't me? (hint: the answer is no one.) It's not "why should I have cancer?", it's "why should anyone have cancer?" If anyone has to have cancer and suffer, it should be me.

I'm still not looking forward to tomorrow though.


  1. Good post Patti, but why "bof" us? I guess the answer is the same - why not? Are we so privileged that every day should be blissful and happy? Is anyone? I'll be with you tomorrow feeling poorly that you're feeling poorly.

  2. Perspective is what keeps us sane and grounded - but don't feel like you aren't allowed to have those "Why me" (or "Why US?!") moments because you absolutely are. It isn't fair, and it totally sucks - but you (both) are a survivor and you both will make it through stronger than ever! XOXO

  3. Hey Patti, I figured out how to post a comment! Now I will have to start thinking of witty antidotes..hmmm..

  4. Hey girl! I hope today is going okay. Thinking of you!